A Letter to an Old Lover

I am so obsessed with you

Why am I so obsessed with you? I know you don’t care about me. I know I don't cross your mind. It hurts me to know that I mean absolutely nothing when you mean so much. And it’s not like you did anything spectacular or different; you were just nice to me.

The words you said, the way you acted around me, all of it made me feel special. And I let myself fall for it. I let myself fall for everything you told me. You said i was attractive and that you enjoyed my company but you didn’t seem to enjoy my company once i let you enjoy my body

You were cold, distant, a stranger. You made me feel like I did something wrong, something terrible. You sent me on a downward spiral, you led me to believe that everything you said was a lie, because if you truly did enjoy being with me, you would not be treating me the way you are right now.

I let your words get into my head, I let you taint the sanctuary of my psyche. Every emblem of my being, every fibre, consumed by you. And in the worst absolute way possible.

“He’s clearly lying. If he truly believed that, he wouldn’t be treating me the way he is”

And I started believing the opposite of what you told me. I’m not pretty, I'm not funny, I'm not smart, if I was, I would at least be granted the respect of a friendship I know I deserve. Would I still be treated this way if I was conventionally pretty? Funny? If I was like everyone else? If I wasn't intimidated by your towering presence?

Or maybe I'm asking too much? I know I was nothing but a hit and run. As were you, initially, but you took a piece of me and it left a void, it left me wanting to find something or someone to make me whole again. Left me feeling worthless.

I have lost multiple nights and meals trying to turn myself into someone you’d respect. But I lost my dignity along the way,

It took me 20 years to build up my confidence, my pride, my strength and you destroyed it all in less than a week.

I don’t want you in my head but you’ve made yourself quite comfortable there.

So why do I still think about you? Why do I still crave your attention? Why do I still want you to smile at the thought of me? Or even think of me? Why does every song remind me of you? Why does every poem make me picture you in my mind? Why do I believe that the cards are talking about our future?

Why do I let myself believe that i even have a chance of redemption when I know I never had a chance?

If only you knew what you did to me. If only you knew the pain you put me through. Nothing but agony and heartache. You single handedly ruined my life. I can’t even bring myself to go to your neighbourhood anymore.

Everything you like, everything that we had in common is now tainted, rotten, poisoned.

And I have no confidant. My friends are your friends, I can't tell them what you did to me. I can’t tell them that you used and discarded me, made me feel disposable, made me feel like I was of no value.

Because that is how I perceive myself now. A shadow of a once proud woman now reduced to nothing but a mere fleshlight. I am nothing but the fulfillment of a fetish, I do not matter as an individual. I have no purpose as a person, you opened my eyes to the truth.

Thank you for this epiphany. You have brought this hopeless romantic into the 21st century. You have shown me that I am worth nothing more than my body. That my mind and my heart do not matter. That love doesn’t exist, That i will not receive that fairytale ending i’ve craved since i was a little girl.

I wish I could be mad at you, I really do, but I see now that it’s my fault. I expected too much from someone who grew up in this century while I had my head and heart buried in the love stories of the past.

Love is futile and not meant for me, I do not deserve love. I will never find love. How could I? I’m not pretty, I'm not funny, I'm not smart. I’m just here.