I Am My Greatest Obstacle

"You are the bane of my existence. And the object of all my desires. "

I grew up watching Disney, Barbie, and sometimes Lifetime movies if I was in the same room with my mom as she watched them.

And what did these movies have in common at the end? A happily ever after with a charming prince.

I grew up romanticizing the world around me due to the influences that I had in the media that I consumed. I was convinced that this kind of romance would eventually find me and that the world would be filled with it.

I grew to develop an affinity for romantic gestures, pet names, sincere conversations, sonnets and poems, and everything else you’d find in an early 2000’s romcom.

However, I would soon learn that the world is not as romantic as I had thought it would be.

I came to understand that the world is devoid of the kind of fairy tale romance I had grown accustomed to and that these media pieces were a form of escape for people like me who wished to see the world romanticized as they'd want it to be.

I was 16 when I had my first relationship. I assumed that we would have had this beautiful romantic experience that would forever be life-changing, that it would help me learn what love is; it was not. In fact, it just gave me trauma. But that was just my first relationship.

Years passed, and I developed more feelings for people, and I got into more relationships. I eventually ended up being ghosted and cheated on multiple times. Everything that happened in every relationship that I had just made me further doubt the existence of romance and love.

I grew up believing that true love was a thing. Everyone is entitled to true love and romance and, because of what I saw growing up, I believed that I would at least get a taste of it when I was young, but it seemed to be happening to everyone but me.

All my peers had at least one partner who could confidently say “I love you” to them. They had one partner they could recall who was meaningful to them and gave them a meaningful experience, helped them experience what love is or at least partake in significant romantic gestures to make them feel loved and special.

In retrospect, I never had that. My relationships never made me feel special. I constantly had the impression that I was making up for something or going above and beyond to get the treatment I desired. I ended up love bombing them in an attempt to make them realize how much I cared for them, to keep them around or at the very least give me the kind of romance I desired, but I never got that.

In fact, all I did was scare them away. I grew up believing that I was the problem in terms of how I expressed my emotions, how I portrayed love, and how I loved others, so it was extremely painful to realize that every relationship I had ended because of me, because I wasn't lovable, because I had something fundamentally wrong with me.

Being vulnerable in front of people is something I struggle with. I see it as a weakness when I express my feelings and am vulnerable. I put on a persona that is boisterous, annoying, and loud, and I frequently discuss topics like casual sex in order to blend in and give the impression that I don't need or want a relationship to spare myself the heartache. “Relationships are unnecessary and irrelevant. Partners don’t matter; and love doesn’t exist. "

The dating scene for my generation is extremely informal. The length of a typical relationship is three months, after which we move on to another. And because I value longevity, I simply could not see that happening for me. The dating culture of my generation is very "hit it and quit it," and this is true of many things that take place now, like one night stands and hookup apps. It is not meant to be long-lasting and is very unserious. I just don't resonate with the philosophy of "the more bodies, the better." I like to romanticize the little things; and I guess I just overestimated what romance in the real world should be like in my eyes.

I love big romantic gestures. I love roses. I love love letters. I love cute little stereotypically romantic things. I love the little things that one does if one were trapped in a romantic film. I long for that. I’ve wanted that since I was little. I'm now 22, almost 23, and I've never had any of that, despite the fact that all of my peers have experienced it at least once.

In light of all that, it begs the question, "What's wrong with me?" particularly if you were a hopeless romantic growing up, like I was. What is so wrong with me that everyone else receives the love I desire but not myself? What am I doing wrong?

A couple of months ago, I stumbled across my sister’s Twitter account, on which she proudly proclaimed that my problems were “a superiority complex when dumb asf, entitled and spoiled, clueless about how to function, brags about the slightest things thinking she’s great for doing sth everyone has, will do sth cringy and think she ATE. can’t believe I forgot the anger issues 😍 she really is just like her father”

Really spells it out for you, huh?

I am aware of my shortcomings more than anything else. I have my flaws and I am trying to be better.

I want the kind of love that will make me feel special, but after learning about how I’m perceived by others, I just can't make someone else feel the same way because I have so many problems and am simply not someone who is worthy of the love I yearn for.

Would you write sonnets for the person described above? Didn’t think so.

And it hurts because I now understand why I have to do those things for myself, to make myself feel special. I took it personally because, throughout my life, I had never experienced the kind of love I desired. I ultimately decided to handle it myself. I treated myself to flowers. I created personalized playlists and wrote letters to myself out of the pretense of self-love. I treated myself the way I wanted a partner to treat me, and it still hurts to realize that the only romantic partner I could ever rely on was myself. I left to fend for myself and my own romantic interest because I was now terrified to let someone in.

I’m fully convinced that it’s never going to happen for me. I just know that I will never receive the love that I crave. It’s never going to happen. And that inevitably led to me not wanting to pursue romantic partners and not caring about love at all, so I did a whole 180. I tell myself that I don’t need love and romance to protect myself so that I don’t have to cry myself to sleep, knowing that no one loves me, that I am unlovable.

I still think that love exists, but not for me. The kind of love I want is not going to come to me. It's challenging for me to accept that, but I'll have to at some point in my life, so I've decided to do it now in order to prevent myself from squandering the rest of my time looking for it. I can concentrate on other things, such as my career, which is currently what I value most. I’m going to carry on with my persona to drive people away, for my sanity and theirs. It’s what’s best.

Congratulations to everyone who has found true love or believes in the power of love. Just please don’t rub it in my face. Thanks.