I Haven’t Had Sex In 3 Months

and i fear that it may go on for much longer.

my longest dry spell was about 6 months but that was because a bum made me feel bad about myself and fucked up my mental health.

i’m in a better place now but i still haven’t had any action in a very long time and frankly it’s taking it’s toll on me

one reason could be that my libido and schedule are never in sync and it’s getting on my fucking nerve. now that i’m working a 9-6 internship, i’m usually pooped by the time i clock out. don’t get me wrong, i love my job but i just don’t have the capacity to do something strenuous after.

by now you’d ask about my weekends, assuming they were free but i assure you, they are not. as mentioned in a previous post, i am the eldest daughter to a family without a mother so i have to essentially be home to take care of the little things and my spoiled incel fuck of a father.

my usual routine used to involve suitors coming over whenever i was free in the afternoons because i have a strict father who’d never let me out of the house so they’d usually come to me. it was going well at first until september when everyone i asked was super busy; but i wasn’t mad because i knew everyone had their own lives to live.

however, they did eventually find an opening in their schedules for me but i had to put them on hold because my glorious grandma informed me of a surprise visit and would not tell me when she was coming over, no matter how many times i asked. naturally they got tired of the constant postponements and dropped it, and i don’t blame them. i would too. i was essentially cock blocked by my grandmother.

with the lack of notifications and attention, i began to take it personally and that i was not good enough. granted i know now that they were just fed up with my bullshit, but at the time it felt like a slap in a face (which i would have liked but alas no one came through).

i felt like a teenage girl in a rom-com, anxiously waiting by the phone for someone to reply once my scheduled was cleared but nothing. i took that even more personally because why won’t they come see me? what’s wrong with me? could be the fact that your family makes you literally inaccessible and you’re watching your prime years slip right by you because of it but no, let’s take this personally instead. taylor was right when she said “i’m the problem, it’s me”

as time went on i grew resentful of the lack of action and the unspoken rules that kept me trapped in my house and begging for freedom. and what do i do when i get sad? that’s right, i indulge in gluttony like i’m on death row and i know i’m next. i gained a lot of weight, especially in the areas i was already insecure about.

feeling displeased in my appearance, it furthered hindered me from reaching out to those who had previously expressed interest. although they had reassured me that my body does not disgust them the way it disgusts me, it wouldn’t matter to me. while i am trying to work on reaching a comfortable size, i can only do so much with alcohol and gluttony as my coping mechanisms.

i gain confidence from people essentially objectifying and sexualising me because i’m quirky like that, not because i’m severely traumatised. that led to attempts of forced thirst traps that only fell through because i wasn’t feeling myself, why would anyone else? once again the lack of responses only fuelled my self hatred because if i wasn’t good enough to fuck, i wasn’t good enough period.

so no attention, no one blowing up my phone, no self esteem, and no dick. literally not a single soul has hit me up since grandma-gate and frankly, i’m ashamed to reach out at this point.

so i have a big brain moment and decide to hop on ok cupid. brilliant move, lots of responses, mostly from people who were no where near my age or type. until one person fit the bill and he made me feel good about myself.

but as we know, i can never have nice things. he offered to come over, i couldn’t because i was working on something important that week.the week after that, mr manchild took a 5 day mc leave, which i’m fully convinced he lied to get because he seemed just fine when he yelled at me for not immediately tending to his every need the second i clocked out of work. the week after that, he was somehow granted the opportunity to work from home the whole week. and there’s more to come but listing all of it out with legally constitute this as an article i could write for work.

at this rate, my virginity will be reinstated and i’ll die a virgin. my existence doesn’t revolve around sex but i’m young and i have needs. a vibrator can only so much while making the entire house sound like a barber shop.

so what was the point of this post? to tell you i haven’t been piped in a while bc i’m fat and don’t have the time? yeah, that’s essentially about it.